so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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