Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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