Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
