I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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