If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
