she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
