somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
im six kinds of drunk right now
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
