I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
