I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
