Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
