I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize