I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
