i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
