shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Vodka?
Forever.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
