She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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