Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
