Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
