I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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