Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
