note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
