Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
