A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
