jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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