I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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