FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
