WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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