I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
