Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
