Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
