he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
