I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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