Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
