HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
