dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
