my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
