So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
