Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
