hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
