You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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