Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
