no, he came in my armpit
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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