Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
