Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
