My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
