My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
