cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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