I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So here I am, sexting at work.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
