I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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