"it" just moved
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
