i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
