Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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