I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How naked do you want me to be?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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