Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize