I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So squirting runs in the family.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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