i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
