So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
