the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
