does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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