Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize