you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
