when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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